


Coping With Insanity

by EternalTags



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Collectors, Dark, Depressing, Drinking, F/F, Insanity, PTSD, Pre ME3, Suicide Attempt, post ME2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-05-02
Packaged: 2017-12-08 08:31:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalTags/pseuds/EternalTags
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Kara Shepard has finally lost it. Going insane with guilt and depression after the attack on the collector base, she tries to end it all, but her crew wont let her go without a fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mental Break

Chapter One: Mental Break

Shepard smiled at how well the pistol fit in her hand. She held it close every night since the attack on the collector base. Faces flashed before her mind. Jacob. Legion. Grunt. Thane. Samara. She remembered every command given that resulted in their deaths. She would have given anything to take back those orders. To put herself in their place.

Alone in her cabin, Shepard sat on the edge of her bed, head back, staring out into the void of space. The blue wisps of the ships shields franticly moving over the ceiling window made her head spin. She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. Her pistol hung from one hand, and a bottle of rum was clutched in the other.

Bright explosions covered her vision as she felt herself being shoved to the stars.

A hissing sound came from her helmet.

Frantic panic sets in as she claws over the back of her neck, trying to cover the leak.

Head splitting pain. Her chest felt like it was being ripped open from the inside out. Blood was pouring out of her mouth.

Choking.

It lasts for eternity.

Quickly lifting the bottle to her mouth, she emptied its contents. Relishing in the burning as it seared down her throat and harshly landed in her stomach. Staring hard at the bottle, she realized it was the aged rum Jacob had given her. Knowing her taste for the harder stuff, he got it as thanks for helping his father. Self-hatred crashed upon her so quickly, her entire body tensed. Wanting to lash out at anyone, anything, but no one was there. "Because I ordered them to their deaths."

At that moment, the sound of her door opening brought painful light into her room. With a quick glance she saw it was one of the crew from the CIC deck, a data pad in his hand. Before he even had the chance to take one step, Shepard unleashed her hatred.

"GET OUT!" she flung the empty bottle at the door, just missing the young man. It shattered against the wall. She may have been drunk and angry, but she knew a broken bottle to the face could kill someone. She aimed to the right to avoid more blood spilling on her hands. She heard a yelp before her door hissed shut. The crew should know better by now. Didn't she tell them she didn't want to be disturbed? Maybe she didn't. She couldn't remember. She fell back on her bed, laying spread eagle over the unmade bed. After a few moments when her head stopped spinning so fast, she brought her hand straight up. She held her pistol before her eyes and regarded it as if it were her closest friend. She admired the soft glow of the thermal clip, and how the metal warmed in her hand. She counted the few chips along its casing, remembering the many times she had run out of ammo and used her side arm to bash in the skulls of her enemies. She noticed the safety was off.

An ongoing routine this has become. She got drunk every day, but every few nights, she would partake in a solo drinking game. Take a shot when you hurt, until you hurt enough to end the pain. She would let her mind wander and take drink after drink of whatever liquor she had on hand. Her cabinet was pretty much empty of the hard stuff at this point. She shed a tear at the lost rum. The last thing she had of Jacob. She didn't even have the empty bottle anymore because of her actions.

Slowly she stood up, facing the fish tank. Her eyes blurred until all she saw was the soft glowing blue. Not sure if she was crying, or if she was just really drunk, her thoughts had strayed to a certain Asari. Her heart filled with a painful ache when she remembered Liara saying she wanted to be back on the Normandy. What if she failed again? What if she gave the wrong commands, but this time, it was her bondmates face growing cold and pale? What if Liaras blood was added to the stains on her hands and pools around her feet? The fear was crippling. She went to take another drink, then laughed when she remembered, once again, the rum (and its bottle) was gone. Suddenly, she couldn't stop laughing. The thought that she was so drunk and all she wanted was another drink to accompany her pain was hysterical.

The door wooshed open again. Shepard only laughed harder because now she didn't have anything but her gun to throw at the intruder. No way in hell was she going to let go of her savior now. Tonight, the invincible Commander Kara Shepard, who had killed Saren, taken out armies of Geth, husks, and bounty hunters, wiped out the collectors, destroyed a humanReaper, and hell, even survived death... finally couldn't stand the pain anymore.

"Commander?" Miranda asked from the door way, nervous to enter without permission. The room was dark. The lights from the fish tanks were dimmed. The room stank of stale booze and dirty clothes. When the stench of old vomit hit her, she nearly fell backwards. Her attention was brought near the bed when she heard laughing. Her eyes started to adjust to the darkness. Shepard was standing, barely, by the edge of the bed. She could make out her taller, now slightly frail shape. The Commanders cargo pants were hanging loose on her hips. Her once form fitting black tank top now looked baggy. Her long dark mahogany hair, usually kept pulled back in a low ponytail, was loose and matted. Her scars still hadn't fully healed yet. they glowed slightly on her cheek.

As far as Miranda knew, Shepard hadn't eaten in days. She never saw her eat. She was almost always drinking though. She had to warn the crew whenever she saw the Commander drinking. Shepard was a mean drunk. Miranda had come up to once again try to get her to eat, expecting another argument that ended with her threatening to have Shepard sedated, and the Commander threatening to have her spaced if she didn't leave. But she was laughing. Sheppard had a crazed smile on her face, one she usually wore when charging into battle. Her eerie growing laughter made Miranda feel a small pang of fear. She wasnt sure, but... were those tears? There was a slight red glow that slowly rose to Shepards left temple. It was a glow that Miranda knew well.

"SHEPARD!" Miranda dropped the tray of food and threw a biotic field around the pistol before Kara could get a shot off. The crazed Commander only roared with more laughter.

"What now Lawson?" She spat from behind gritted teeth. "You caught me RIGHT when I was about to pull the trigger!" Glowing red eyes shifted towards Miranda and she nodded towards her hand now encased within the glowing blue field. Her laughter shifted into a low growl. "The second you let go, that trigger is going to be pulled." Miranda was panting from the shock of what had almost happened. She had seen that look so many times before in Cerberus test subjects. Pure insanity. Her stomach fell, when she saw her Commander this way. She was nearly on the verge of tears.

She also knew that Shepard was right. There was only so much Miranda could do with biotics. Sure she could keep her subdued, maybe even get the weapon out of her hands. But this was Shepard. This was also Shepards room. There could be weapons stashed anywhere. She knew the Commander kept an extra pistol under her pillow at night. She even kept a rather large knife under the mattress. She could keep Shepard in the biotic field, but for how long? She had seen their opponents try to subdue Shepard in battle before, but they were never able to hold her for very long. Even now, she knew Shepard was only going along with her imprisonment so that Miranda could figure out her next move, but it wasn't going to be long until she started fighting back. How was she going to make sure the Commander couldn't hurt herself? Even drunk, she was a master at hand to hand combat. If Miranda were to get anywhere within arm's reach of the Commander, even if she could keep both of her hands immobilized, Miranda would quickly kind herself with a few broken bones. She could always knock the Commander out by slamming her against a wall, but the resulting concussion could only make things worse. She could try to talk her down, but Shepard had a silver tongue. She could fool Miranda into thinking she was okay after a few words, and even handing over the gun, but she could carry out her deed with a hidden weapon as soon as she let her go. Drastic measures had to be taken.

"EDI." Even when the AI's blue hologram popped up, Miranda never took her eyes off Shepard.

"Yes, Ms. Lawson."

"Contact Dr. Chakwas. Tell her what happened. Have her bring tranquilizers and an application gun."

EDI's avatar winked out. Miranda and Shepard glared at each other in the brief silence before the Doctor came through the open door. When the Commander saw the gun in the Doctors hand, she scowled in absolute hatred. Miranda could feel Shepard start to struggle against her biotics. The Doctors only response was a sad look as she took aim, and shot the Commander in the shoulder with a tranquilizer. Shepards eyes begin to droop, but she was still standing. Fighting the sedative with everything she had. Chakwas shot her with another tranquilizer to the shoulder, and finally, the Commanders eyes fell shut and her knees collapsed, no longer able to hold herself up. Hanging in the air by the biotic field around her hand, they waited a few moments to be sure she was really out. Chakwas slowly walked up to the Commander and knelt beside her. She lifted two fingers to her neck as the other hand removed the darts. She nodded at Miranda and caught her when she released the field.

Miranda had also come up to the Commanders cabin to tell Shepard Liara had called. She wanted Kara to know she was going to stop by in a few hours. Now, all she could think of was how the Shadow Broker was going to react to finding out her lover had gone completely insane.


	2. It's a Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a voice in Shepard's head, but is it really hers? Something is wrong, but she can't seem to be able to focus enough to figure out what. Her anger and grief is taking control and no one seems to notice until it's nearly too late.

Miranda was slightly grateful for the impossibility for Shepard to use her biotics while drunk. While she had been trained to use biotics, she was no Adept. The most she had been able to do, while sober, was cast a stasis field or throw the occasional warp. Her mastery was tactics. She proved that in battle; even a small, well placed warp could be more devastating than a massive shockwave.

It wasn't easy, but somehow the two of them managed to bring Shepard down to the med bay without anyone seeing. Lifting her to one of the beds that couldn't be seen through the med bay windows, Dr. Chakwas attached padded leather restraints to the unconscious Commander's wrists and ankles. Sensing the disapproval from Miranda, the Dr. explained.

"We don't know how she's going to react after waking up. I'm hoping it was just a drunken moment of weakness, but…" But there was a very real possibility that something within Shepard had finally snapped. For all she knew, the second the Commander woke up she could laugh at her stupidity, apologize for the scare, and thank them for stopping her from making the worst mistake of her life. Then again, she could also use her biotics to tear the ship apart in a blind fury. With that last thought, she rummaged through one of the medical storage units and pulled out a needle and a small vial filled with clear liquid. Loading up the syringe, she injected the substance into Shepard's arm.

"What did you just-"

"That was a biotic dampening agent. You have to think of every possibility Ms. Lawson. I may have just saved everyone on this ship." Miranda nodded and watched in silence as the doctor used her omni-tool to scan the Commander's body. Knowing it was most likely in vain, the doctor was hoping for the slightest clue to explain the Commander's condition. Perhaps it was a chemical that was somehow ingested. Maybe she simply had a leftover concussion from her last mission and it was putting pressure on some area of her brain, causing her to act differently. Sadly, the scans read normal. Well, as normal as a mind altered by Prothean technology could be. They sat in silence, waiting for the sedative to wear off so they could find the source of their Commander's distress.

~ Doc? You might want to head down to the engineering deck. Gabby and Ken roped a drunk Jack into playing some poker. And well... Jack's a sore loser.~

Chakwas sighed as she grabbed a few more tranquilizers and reloaded her trusty application gun. "Hopefully I'll be back before she wakes up. If not, DON'T leave her by herself." With her order given, the doctor marched out of her med bay muttering something about a ship full of children playing with deadly biotics.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

What was it they called alcohol? Oh yes, liquid courage. Most people had to get shitfaced drunk before they did stuff. Like ask out their crush, go sky diving, or if it so happened, they decided to off themselves. Truth be told, Shepard didn't need it. She wasn't afraid of pain or of dying. Hell, she was a soldier. She already felt as if every mission was going to be her last. You tend to stop fearing something when you dance with it often enough. No, being drunk was going to allow her to leave this life happy instead of crushing under guilt, pain and confusion. 

Wait, confusion? That was a new one. Huh, go figure. She would have to look deeper into that later. Right now her head was swimming through the fog of the double dosage of sedative.

She had just felt a needle prick her arm again. She half expected it to be another tranquilizer. Instead she felt an odd sensation tingle in her head. She couldn't quite explain it. It was as if that place she went to tap into her biotics suddenly went numb. Realization crashed down upon her when she felt pressure around her wrists and ankles. They knew, and they were trying to stop her. Normally Shepard would have felt a little happy, knowing that her friends cared about what happened to her, then a pang of regret at making her closest friends worry. She had felt a crippling amount of fury, instead. Slightly shocked by her level of rage, she managed to keep the calm sleep mask of sleep as she heard Joker request Chakwas to get Jack under control.

A plan had formed quickly. Suddenly, this wasn't some dramatic desperate need to end her pain. Now it had become a challenge. Deep down she knew how odd it sounded, treating this as some sort of game. Through her actions, she had blatantly said "I'm going to kill myself," and in reaction, Miranda and Chakwas had said "No you're not." Now, this was about proving them wrong. 

Holy Shit. how messed up was that? 

Before, she was in unbearable emotional pain. The pain was still there, only now it was more manageable. Why not just go back to how it was before? No, something had changed.

Something wasn't right. 

What was she saying, of course things weren't right! She had killed five of her friends in her last mission alone. She had made the decision to save Ashley over Kaiden. 

*Because he was getting in the way of you and Liara.*

NO! God no, that just wasn't true! Why would she think that! She had to save Ashley! If she had left to save Kaiden, there was no way Ashley could have protected that bomb by herself! The Geth would have over run her and disarmed it! 

*You killed Thane. You not only sent him with a mission that was completely out of his skill zone, but you made him LEAD the group! You made sure he would be in the line of fire!*

No! Who was saying these things! She had sent Thane because he would have seen routs and pathways around the Combat zone! Even as she gave the excuse, it didn't fit right. 

*It's because you were attracted to him. To the way he looked at you. For all you knew Liara had moved on with her Drell. Why couldn't you do the same? You led him on. You claim you didn't do it intentionally, but you did. When you found out she was still in love with you, you broke his heart. Looking at the hurt in his eyes built up your guilt until you just thought to kill him so you wouldn't have to see that pain any more. Only it didn't work. Now you see those eyes every time you go to sleep!*

Shepard didn't know who was saying these things, but the once manageable pain was anything but, as it swept over her. She longed for it to end. 

*They said you couldn't. They're trying to stop you.* 

They weren't. She was going to win. And she was going to be free.

She knew she couldn't fool the doctor. Chakwas had been around the Commander long enough to know when she was being lied to. She had been trained to look at cold hard facts and not to be swayed by Shepard's silver tongue. Miranda however, was different. Miranda wanted nothing more than to have Shepard be okay. It might take some convincing and smooth talking, but she knew, deep down Miranda would believe the Commander's words of assurance, if only because that is what she wished to believe.

As soon as Chakwas left the med bay, Shepard slowly opened her eyes. Miranda's blue eyes instantly searching the Kara's face for any sign of her earlier insanity. Shepard made sure Miranda would see nothing but the apologetic smile and guilt filled eyes. Miranda was still weary, but her relief was obvious.

*Make a joke, set her at ease.*

"Saving my life seems to have become a habit of yours." Kara said softly. She played as if what had happened wasn't serious. It worked.

"Shepard, I… Don't you dare ever scare me that way again!" Miranda's voice was low and threatening, but the relief was so intense, tears started to build up on her thick lashes.

*Play the guilty card*

This was almost too easy. Shepard moved as if she was going to go comfort her XO, but the restraints held her back. She looked at them as if noticing for the first time. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment.

"I guess that's fair." Miranda twitched a little in her seat. Oh yeah, this was going to be easy. "Do I really need to say it? Do you really need me to tell you what you already know?" Miranda raised an eyebrow.

"Let's say that I do."

Sighing again, Shepard continued. The words spilling out of her mouth without thought, as if she had practiced a script her whole life. "I was drunk as hell, Miranda. I've been drunk as hell. This… guilt. It's just been building higher and higher, and despite what I thought at the time, getting drunk obviously wasn't helping." Closing her eyes, she laid her head back on the pillow. "The only answer I could see was the easiest, quickest escape. At first, it was just a thought. But over time I began to humor it. All of a sudden, I thought 'Why not?' and I could only see the reasons why I should. I didn't even think the future I had been fighting for." She was able to work up a single tear and felt it trickle down her right cheek. Looking at Miranda, she put as much emotion into her words as she possibly could "Thank you. I'm so sorry. I can assure you, I do not want to die. The fact that I came so close scares the shit out of me." She looked away as if ashamed.

That did it. She heard Miranda stand and walk over to the bed. Her restraints removed. Her face still hidden, Shepard smiled wickedly at her victory. Very slowly, Shepard moved so her feet hung over the side of the bed. Smiling up at Miranda, she suggested they go talk in the XO's office. Nodding, Miranda walked towards the door, but Shepard had held back. 

*Stall. Get her to leave without you.*

"I'll be there in a minute. Just want to send a quick message to Liara, before I forget or talk myself out of it. She will be pissed off enough as it is with what happened, but it's better she finds out now from me, and that I'm okay, rather then someone else." Miranda turned slightly as if to wait for her. For a moment Shepard was afraid she wouldn't be able to get rid of her. Shepard fiddled with her omni-tool, pulling up the communicator, and expressed that the phone call would be rather personal. She assured Miranda that she would only be a few minutes. As soon as the door closed behind her, Shepard grinned, her whole body shaking with laughter.

She wrapped her fingers around a small surgical tool resting on a nearby table. She lifted the scalpel close to her eyes, noticing her usual forest green eyes flash red in the small reflection as she examined the razor edge. Anger suddenly shook her to her core. Anger at herself and her failures. At others for letting her make stupid mistakes. Anger, mostly, at her superiors, who demanded her to sacrifice everything for them and to be shooed away like a child telling tall tales when she warned them of the danger. A small amount of giddiness when again she realized she would never have to suffer mistakes again. She would never have anything else taken from her, never have to sacrifice anything again, because she was about to destroy the last thing that was truly hers.

Leaning over the sink, she dragged the scalpel horizontally across each wrist, pushing the blade deep over the mesh of blue veins and tendons. She didn't want it to be too quick. She wanted to feel her limbs grow cold and watch as the red trickled down the drain. She could feel her thoughts slow as darkness crept around the edges of her vision. Her body was still shivering, only now she wasn't sure if it was because she was laughing, or if it was because her limbs had become numb. Hearing the med bay doors hiss open once more brought a final thought before she lost consciousness.

*Ah, foiled again. They're gonna tell her now.*

Liara is going to be pissed.


	3. Given Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara finally arrives on the Normandy, but she is hardly prepared for what is waiting for her. What has become of Shepard is confounding everyone. Who is this person lying in the med-bay? Surely the Commander was never this weak, this thin, this pale, this sickly?

"I just don't understand it," thought Chakwas.

After subduing Jack with enough sedatives to bring down an Elcor, she had tended to Ken and Gabby's bruises. Ones that were undoubtedly left by several biotic punches. Satisfied with her work, she headed back up to the med bay, expecting Shepard to be awake any moment. As she stepped off of the elevator, the doctor froze in her tracks when she saw Miranda standing outside the door. "Miranda, what-" She started.

Looking a little sheepish, Miranda gave her a happy smile. "It's alright. The Commander just wanted to call Dr. T'soni-"

"She's awake and you left her alone?" Karen rarely lost her temper, but how could a woman who brought someone back from the dead be so stupid? Not waiting for her to answer, Chakwas ran through the med bay doors and saw a smiling Shepard leaning over the metal sink, as if she was simply washing her hands. The smile was what threw her off. The Commanders wicked grin was fairly common, famous even, but it was the look in her eyes that made it different. The look in her eyes just made her look… feral. The corner of her mouth was drawn up, showing clenched teeth. Her eyes were wide, and she saw small flash of red in them before the lids began to droop. When Shepard began to slump against the sink, the Doctor charged forward to catch the falling woman, and went pale with fear when she saw the deep gashes on the Commanders wrists. The inside of the sink was lined in red. A scalpel coated in blood lay just next to the drain. It was a sight that would haunt Karen's dreams in the years to come.

Chakwas had managed to grab a handful of towels that she kept on a nearby counter and wrapped them tightly around the shivering Commander's wrists. The ex-Cerberus operative stood by the open door, frozen. She was brought out of her shocked daze when the doctor waved her inside. Miranda was ashamed at how easily she had been fooled, and even more so at her own reactions. She should not have been so naïve as to actually believe the Commander was okay. She should not have left someone who had just tried to kill themselves alone for any reason. Even worse, she should not have just stood there frozen in her own fear while the Commander bled out. She was not going to let her mistake end the life of the only person who was ever a true friend to her.

Glaring into Miranda's ice blue eyes, Chakwas gripped Shepard's wrist and said one word. "Pressure." Understanding, Miranda knelt by the wounded woman and held the quickly soaking towels to the cuts on Shepard's wrists. Satisfied, the doctor took off to the med kit mounted on the wall and retrieved a large amount of medi-gel. Miranda cringed at the wet sound as Dr. Chakwas gently pulled back the now nearly red towels. She generously applied the medi-gel to each cut. With the wounds now sealed and no longer bleeding, the Doctor and Miranda lifted the unconscious Commander onto one of the beds. Shepard was hardly out of the woods yet. She had lost a vast amount of blood, and her body was already going into shock. If they didn't stabilize her soon, they would lose her. "Prep for a transfusion." Miranda nodded as she went to grab the necessary equipment. The doctor pulled out several bags of Shepard's blood they had on hand. With her knack for getting injured, the doctor had encouraged Shepard to "donate" her blood every so often, so they wouldn't have to risk a trip to a hospital every time she was shot during a mission.

Grabbing one of the bags, she attached it to the already set up equipment and watched as the red fluid went through the tube, and into Shepard's needing body. When she noticed Shepard's breathing was fast and shallow, she immediately fixed an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. Chakwas had begun to hook up other machines to the Commander as well. A heart rate monitor, an IV, and so on, avoiding Miranda's stare as she did so.

"This doesn't make any sense. This isn't like Kara at all." Chakwas was trying to wrap her head around Shepard's behavior.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************

Liara had been itching to see Kara ever since she got word of their successful mission through the Omega 4 Relay. She had been notified by Miranda of all people. Shepard had been badly wounded, but was alive, and was expected to make a quick recovery. She was also told of the casualties that resulted in the missions' success. Leaving the Broker base in Feron's capable hands, Liara began to make her way towards the Normandy's location the second Miranda had hung up, but it was going to take some time. Even at FTL speeds and using several relays, it took over a week before they were even within the same System, Liara a nervous wreck the entire time. She knew Kara needed her. After Kaiden died, she had worn the stoic mask of command in front of her crew. Sure of her actions, but remorseful all the same. Behind the doors of her private quarters, she had been an emotional wreck. Feeling as if she should have gone in Kaiden's place, as if she had made a decision that had needlessly ended his life. She shuddered at the thought of what the Commander would have done had she not been there to tell her otherwise, to convince her otherwise. Hopefully, Shepard could hang on a little longer, until she got there.

Liara had to make herself not call the Normandy, not wishing to distract Shepard from healing and disturb her much needed rest. But still, an update from Miranda would have been nice. When she was only half a day out, she gave up and made the call, telling Miranda she would be arriving within the day. Miranda's response was slow coming, she wouldn't meet Liara's eyes through the vid comm. It immediately sent fear through her veins.

"Miranda, what is it? What's wrong with Shepard."

"Physically, she's fine. Her wounds have completely healed with light scaring… but the Commander… She's taking the deaths of the others very hard. She hasn't left her room at all the past week. She refuses to see anyone or even talk to anyone." She raised her eyes to meet Liara's before she continued. Worry was plain on her face. "I'm fairly certain she hasn't eaten anything. Any food that is left for her is either left untouched or found later thrown against the wall." Miranda debated whether or not to go on, considering Liara's usual shade of blue seemed to have gotten paler. She went on, knowing that the Doctor would have to be prepared if she were going to confront the Commander. "She's been drinking non-stop ever since she was released from the med-bay, and has been violent towards anyone who even tries to come near her." Liara simply closed her eyes as tears left shimmering trails down her cheeks, and slightly shook her head in disbelief.

"I will be there soon, hopefully I will be able to help her somehow. But Miranda please, don't give up on her. Until I get there, please just- … please, keep trying to get through to her. She would never say it, and she would probably have a stroke if she knew I was telling you this, but she respects you, and you are one of the few people she considers a true friend." Liara had managed to keep the tremor out of her voice as more tears fell.

"I promise. I'll go see her now whether she likes it or not. I'll let her know you're coming. Who knows, maybe that will get a response?" Miranda gave her a sad smile before hanging up.

When Liara finally boarded the ship she made her way to the elevator. Before she could push the up button, to head up to Kara's room, Jokers voice came over the speakers inside the elevator. Liara's heart sank when his usually happy sarcastic tone was replaced by a sad and hesitant one.

~She's not in her room, Doc. She's… down in the med bay. Lawson and Chakwas are waiting down there too.~

She refused to believe what Joker implied. Barely standing as the elevator went down, she was miraculously able to run the short distance to the med-bay and nearly ran into the doors before they had a chance to open. As she stood in the doorway, her mind was slow to adjust to the scene before her. Miranda was standing near the door to the AI core, leaning against the wall hugging her torso and staring at the floor. Dr. Chakwas was standing at the foot of a bed, seeming to frantically read over something on the data pad in her hand. In the bed before her, was Kara, seemingly only asleep.

She was hardly recognizable; her skin was several shades paler than her usual gentle tan, nearly as white as porcelain. Dark rings under her eyes from lack of sleep looked almost like bruises. Dressed in a dirty black tank top and filthy cargo pants, it was obvious she hadn't bathed in many days. Her dark red hair had been hastily tied back to make room for the oxygen mask that was placed over her mouth and nose. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room. At first, Liara had only thought Kara was malnourished, a result of a diet of nothing but alcohol for a week with no sleep. When she saw the thick bandages around Shepard's wrists, the truth of the situation hit her so hard, she fell to her knees.

The same person who had taken bullets for others, who had literally laughed in the face of danger, who had never given up on anything in her entire life…

Kara Shepard had done what was impossible for her before… She had given up.


	4. Still Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard seems to be coming around, and Liara thinks she has it all figured out. The real question will be, will Shepard accept help?

*They're going to tell her now.*

The words were laced in fear before silence fell. She could lie to Miranda, maybe trick Chakwas, but there was no fooling Liara. The second Liara knew what Shepard was trying to do, she would do everything she could to stop her. But would she know that saving her was to submit her to a torture worse than death? To be saved would mean living with the guilt. It would mean accepting the blame for the lives lost.

"Liara is going to be pissed."

The voice that said this was one she hadn't heard in days. It wasn't the blank emotionless tone that replayed every horrific scene on the collector base. It wasn't the frantic panicking voice that denied fault. It wasn't the low angry growls that demanded she pick up a weapon, or even the dark whispering that urged for their use that had dominated her thoughts. It was her own voice. Her own clear, matter-of-fact observation that came on its own. No threats, no hidden meaning, just a gentle reminder.

And it was right.

What would Liara think of her if she was there now? If she had seen Shepard with her gun at her temple, or a scalpel across her wrists? She didn't know what happened to the strong, ever confident soldier that she was. She was sure that she was gone. That she had died along with her friends.

"Isn't Liara worth living for?"

Marriage, a home, little blue daughters playing in the yard? Never again having to storm a battle field and instead spending every waking moment with the love of her life? These were the things that had kept her going while chasing down the collectors. Did she forget? Where were these thoughts when she was being crushed under her own despair? It didn't matter. For now, her mind was quiet, and she remembered what she had been fighting for.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************

It was only Chakwas and Liara watching over Shepard for the moment. Miranda was still the XO. It was her responsibility to lead in Shepard's absence, but now she had to find a way of explaining to the crew of their sudden lack of a Commander. She had excused herself from the med bay shorty after Liara had arrived.

Under normal situations, Shepard should have woken up by now, but a weeks worth of self-destruction has taken its toll and her body was demanding its rest. Liara had spent thirty minutes in silence sitting next to the Commander. When she finally spoke, it was in a soft whisper.

"What happened? How did this happen?"

Chakwas looked at the sad sight before her. Liara was holding one of Kara's hands in both of hers, idly running her thumbs over the thick bandaging around her wrists. Her sobs had ceased a few minutes ago, but the streams of tears never stopped. Her head was bowed, unable to look at the face of her love. The Doctor's heart broke for them both.

"Ever since we returned from the collector base, she had been emotionally distant. My main focus was healing her physically. She had a few minor bullet wounds, a broken bone here and there and a small bit of internal bleeding. Nothing a surgery and large amounts of medi-gel couldn't fix. The moment I declared her fit for duty, she locked herself up in her room, along with her very large liquor cabinet. She refused to come out or unlock the door for anyone. At first the others, being Garrus, Tali, Mordin, and Jack, would have EDI override the lock to try and force her to talk to someone, to eat, or to just come out. But… everyone who went in would come out empty handed and bleeding." Liara looked up at the Doctor, horrified.

"She attacked anyone who came into her room?" Chakwas just nodded her head sadly. Miranda had told her that Shepard was acting angry and violent, but she had no idea it was to this extent.

"As soon as the door closed behind them, she would fly into a rage. She would fight with everything she had. Throw anything she could get her hands on, even use her biotics when she wasn't too drunk. I could only imagine the mess if her fish tank wasn't bullet proof. I think Jack was the worst. We had to go in after her, trying to avoid the Commander's rage the entire time." Chakwas remembered how infuriated Jack was when Kara wouldn't talk. She opted to beat some sense into instead. A fight she could handle. Hell a fight with Shepard was something she had been itching for. But when all she got were animalistic yells and screams, Jack had lost it and fought back earnestly. Not even being able to lay a finger on the Commander, Karin had to reset several of Jacks bones by the time they got her out of there.

"After several failed attempts at getting her to talk or eat, we just pushed harder. The more we pushed, the more she fought. We gave up for everyone's safety when she started threatening with her gun. We decided to wait for you to arrive, knowing that if anyone had a chance to get her to talk, to help her get through this, it was you. We had just hoped she wouldn't get any worse before you had a chance to see her." She paused for a moment, letting Liara absorb her words. The asari knew there was still more. Miranda had barely scratched the surface when she had called just hours before. As much as it hurt her, Liara knew she couldn't help Kara unless she truly knew everything.

"Tell me the rest." She muttered. "She only got worse, didn't she?" The Doctor took a deep breath to steady her before continuing.

"Her paper work would still get done, and she would send it from her personal computer, we had just hoped she would eventually snap out of it." She shook her head at their own foolishness. "We left her alone for the most part, settling with leaving a tray of food outside of her door. She never once took the tray inside. She always either left it out in the hall, or threw it against the wall. She was surviving on nothing but alcohol for the entire week. I had decided that if you had taken much longer to get here, I would intervene." She gave a sad look at her Commander. "I wish I had sooner."

The Doctor pulled a chair up next to Liara and sat down before continuing. This was going to be the hardest part. Telling her what she saw after EDI alerted her to what was happening earlier that day when Miranda had once again tried to get through to her, was difficult for the both of them. She described how the room was completely destroyed; puddles of vomit everywhere, broken glass from empty bottles all over the floor, her prized ship models shattered into pieces, overturned furniture. The list went on, ending with Shepard herself.

Liara had started sobbing quietly again, holding Shepard's hand to her forehead, but Chakwas kept going. She didn't want to prolong this story. When she spoke about how Kara had fooled Miranda and slit her wrists, Liara had gone dead silent. She was now staring at the wall across the med bay, her eyes slightly narrowed as if she was thinking very hard on a puzzle that didn't make much sense.

"That… that's not right." Liara murmured. Her eyes suddenly opened wide.

"In what way is any of this right?" Chakwas wasn't quite sure where Liara's mind was headed.

"No, you don't understand! If Kara really wanted to die, she would just recklessly throw herself into battle. Even getting drunk and … doing it herself, is something she would do, it fits her personality," She suddenly turned to the Doctor, sudden realization clear in her blue eyes. "But slitting her wrists, even if it was the only option at the time, it doesn't even fit the mental state you found her in! Most people who choose their form of … suicide as slit wrists are vain and fearful of pain. If there is anything Kara Shepard knows, it's how to kill people. If it was really her, she wouldn't have used the scalpel in such a way. It would have been something… quicker." She paused, lightly placing her hand over her lovers bandaged wrist.

"Don't you see? There is something wrong, but it's not Shepard's doing."

"Liara-" Chakwas was skeptical, but she couldn't help but latch on to the small amount of hope that Liara had offered. Shepard was far from okay, she was still a huge danger to herself. If it was something else that was making her act this way, something that wouldn't have shown up on her medical scan, then there was hope.

Perhaps Shepard hadn't given up. What if she was still fighting a losing battle?

The doctor looked at the sickly pale face of her charge. Eye rings as bark as bruises, a slight crease between her eyes, hot breath fogging the oxygen mask with every exhale. Yes, she was fighting something.


	5. Ignore It, and It Will Go Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard wakes up, but doesn't want to face the truth of what she has done.

"You realize there is no way to actually detect indoctrination? We will have to wait for her to wake up and monitor her very closely." The Commander had been unconscious throughout the night. Chakwas busied herself with a bit of a drug cocktail for Shepard. The doctor had the foresight to flush Shepard's system, and pump her with fluids, seeing as she had one hell of a hangover headed her way.

"I will be able to find out. I know Shepard's mind. If I can meld with her, I should be able to tell if something is there that doesn't belong." Liara's voice was dry and thick with exhaustion. Despite Chakwas' advice, she stayed up all night watching over Kara. She hadn't gotten a full night sleep since she had heard of Shepard's condition. She was tired, yes, but she had not left the Commander's side since she had arrived. When the Doctor stood up from her desk and walked to where Shepard laid, Liara moved to the foot of the bed, giving the doctor room to work.

The doctor injected another dose of biotic suppressant into the Commanders IV, along with a mild muscle relaxer. Just enough to prevent her from doing much more than sitting up. It shouldn't be much longer before she woke up on her own, and they had to be prepared for any kind of reaction. Unlike before, Chakwas did not use the restraints. While it was mostly because of Shepard's injuries, she didn't want her to panic. If the worst were to come to pass, she was confident in Liara's abilities to restrain her.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Her awareness came back slowly. Without opening her eyes, she knew someone was fussing over her. God she was so tired. She wanted so badly to slip back into the peace and quiet. However, little things quickly became more and more irritating. She couldn't go back to sleep with someone moving around so much. The mask over her face was too hot, the elastic that secured it to her head was pulling at her hair. There was a wrinkle in the bed sheet that was itching her lower back. She could feel the pressure of an IV in her arm. Ugh, needles. The bandages around her wrists were chaffing a bit.

Wait, bandages?

*Oh fuck.*

Her eyes shot open, she was nearly blinded by the bright lights above her, but her eyes stayed wide open, burning fiercely. She heard the mumbling of familiar voices, but ignored them. She searched the ceiling above her for answers.

Memories slowly returned. She wasn't sure what to make of them. Shepard knew she had been... upset the last week, but who wouldn't be after what she did? Was she really suicidal? Where was she? Her thoughts came out of nowhere, reactions came and went in seconds. Blurred faces appeared above her. One white and gray, the other was the most beautiful shade of familiar blue. The mumbling had gotten louder, but it was as if hearing it from underwater. Still, she ignored them, lost in her thoughts. An even brighter light waved repeatedly across her vision.

With every pass of the light, a flash of memory popped up and slipped away at random. A bottle of rum, laughing, anger, a voice. No, several voices, all telling her to do something. What the hell was happening? She couldn't remember. Something was still there, trying to get her to listen, to tell her something, but she couldn't figure out what. It was like having a life changing epiphany, but being unable to put it into words. All she knew was it was something very, very bad. She could feel the panic start to climb up her throat.

NO. Unconsciously, her eyes had narrowed, and her face set into a deep grimace. The blurred figures flinched back a bit. The blue figure then filled her vision, but still she ignored it.

She would not panic. She would not allow her emotions to control her actions. She had done enough of that. One thing above all others became clear: Emotion started it all. If she allowed herself to succumb again, she would lose herself to... whatever the hell was happening to her. She would deny its hold over her.

Shepard felt a gentle tapping on her face that gradually turned into light slaps. The mumbling had started to make a bit of sense. It sounded like her name. Finally focusing on the figures above her, she recognized Liara's tear filled eyes. Slowly she reached up and lightly held onto Liara's wrists, stopping her slapping, but keeping her hands in place.

"M'fine." She mumbled. It was even more muffled beneath the breathing mask. Shifting her grip, she managed to slip the mask off of her face. She blinked hard a few times to try and clear out the last of the blurred edges, but they still remained. Her eyes flew open in surprise when her head was suddenly pulled forward and lips were forced upon hers in a frantic kiss. All of Liara's worries, fears and overwhelming relief melted through. Before Shepard could recover from her shock, the kiss was over, and Liara had leaned back enough to look into Shepard's eyes, searching. A brief moment of peace found the asari when the gaze that returned her own was the pure and sane forest green of Kara Shepard.

Chakwas held down a button on the side of the bed so Shepard could sit up a bit and be somewhat aware of her surroundings. Both doctors watched in silence as Shepard examined the thick bandages around both wrists. Her mind was still trying to get a grasp on what had happened. Obviously, she had gotten drunk and tried to kill herself. She could understand that and pass it off as a moment of weakness. What scared her was that she didn't recall ever having a blade in her hands, let alone slitting her wrists. Shepard had gotten very drunk, on many different occasions, on many different types of alcohol. Sure her mind would be momentarily blank the next day, but her memories would always come back in full force along with a pounding hangover. Not once in her entire life, no matter how much she drank would the Commander ever black out.

When it became obvious that the Commander wasn't going to speak, Chakwas asked the first of many questions.

"Kara, what do you remember?" She said it so softly, it took Shepard a moment to realize that she was being spoken to. Her mind was fuzzy. She couldn't fully put her thoughts together, yet she answered as best she could.

"The last thing I remember… was a pistol in my hand, and Miranda coming into my room." She looked at her bound wrists with anger and confusion. Why couldn't she remember? She clenched her hands into fists, but instantly released them with a hiss, when pain shot through her hands and forearms. "I sure as hell don't remember doing this." She took deep breaths to stay calm. She refused any whys or hows that tried to pop into her head. She would not lose control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Eh-heh. UH, yeah, LATE update, I know, and it's half the size of the other chapters. I'm trying to change that. Gonna be honest, I have NO idea what I'm doing. This story is a prime example of write as you go. I had a plan once upon a time, but the thing about plans is once you start thinking about them, the more you realize it's a pile of shit. SO if anyone wants to give me some tips or prompts on where you would like this story to go, let me know and hopefully I can be dragged kicking and screaming through this little adventure.~


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